The Blessing of Family

This weekend has been a reminder to me of how blessed I am to have such a wonderful family. Friday night I was able to cook dinner for my Mom and Ed at their home before they left for a week long trip to Nashville. I must admit, the meal was about as sub-par as I've ever gone. The chicken was undercooked, salad nothing great, and potatoes were over cooked. Oh well - they were grateful, and it was nice to sit down at the table with my parents for a meal at home as opposed to our usual going out.

Saturday I drove up to Kansas City to celebrate the bridal shower of Scott's cousin Melanie. I'd met her a few times before, and felt so honored to be invited to help celebrate the big wedding coming up with the other ladies in the family. I love being with Scott's family - they are so easy to be around, easy to love, and are all strong faithful women! Aunt Marilyn gave Melanie the sweetest gift which was a poem of her advice for marriage along with some props whose names matched some of the words in the poem. All of us were about in tears, and I just had to tell her after the shower how special her gift was! I stayed after for a few hours after the shower to chat with the remaining family members, then got some alone time with Linda and Paul - Scott's parents. I cherish my moments with them, and love that they are so willing to be open with me about all of the blessings and trials in their life -- and that they seem to truly care about my life as well! I could not have asked for a more meaningful opportunity to be surrounded around such a wonderful group of people!

The family love continued today as I met Esther and Larry (Ed's parents) at church for service this morning. Esther and I sat together and Larry sang in the choir. During the passing of the peace we noticed that old friends Mary Lee and Gary Mayfield were in the congregation! I grew up knowing them in the church, and Mary Lee was my first Mary Kay lady when I was a teenager. She taught me everything I know about makeup! After the service we decided to go out to lunch together and it was so fun catching up! They live such an interesting life, and hearing their stories was so entertaining. I hadn't seen them in probably 6 years or so, and it was fun filling them in on the changes that have happened in my life and letting them see me, as they put it, "all grown up"!

I am just feeling so blessed right now with my family. There are a few things that I know in my heart will always mean everything to me. First, my relationship with God, second, my relationship with my family! I cannot think of anything more important than sharing all of life's joys and sorrows with those who are closest to you. And I am lucky enough to have a big family full of wonderful people!

Expect Nothing: Be Grateful for Everything

These past 6 weeks have involved some of the most trying yet wonderful moments in my life. I feel as if this morning, for the first time since May 27 (the day dear Scott deployed) my mind is able to be still.

I woke up this morning with my usual pang of anxiety, and this phrase kept coming to me over and over again in my mind. "Expect nothing: be grateful for everything". I spoke these words when Scott first deployed to my good friend Jocelyn. Joss is Scott's roommate Cooper's (who is also deployed right now) girlfriend, and I have found so much solace in her friendship. I remember telling her this, explaining that when the boys are gone on deployment we cannot have expectations for anything. When we will talk, when we will see them again, anything. All we can do is be grateful for every moment that we have with them. No matter how brief. How quickly I forgot to practice what I preach. I was falling onto the slipper slope of creating expectations in my mind, and it was starting to materialize in my thoughts, and words, and emotions. I remember saying that I could never be upset or angry while Scott was deployed, because the cause that he is serving is so much greater than him or I. I still believe this to be true, but oh my god how hard it is to keep that in the forefront of the mind. I need to remember that he is there to bravely serve our country, allowing the rest of us to live lives relatively free of worry about the safety and security of our nation. I told Scott on the 4th of July that I was so proud of him. I'm not sure if he understood, and for one of the first times in my life, I chose not to explain further. But I hope in his heart he knows what an incredible man I think he is for choosing this life of sacrifice.

I finished teaching my first class on July 1, and this too, has also been a beautiful yet overwhelming strain on my life. Teaching is my passion. I know that my heart was made to teach, and when I am interacting with students of any age, whether it be children, college, or adults, I get this feeling inside of me that is indescribable. The closest thing I can relate it to is when I feel the holy spirit moving through my body -- I feel that strongly in the classroom! Now mind you, it's not every moment of every day. I had days where I knew the material just didn't hit, the students weren't engaged, and I felt as if I had done something wrong. Alas, summer school was only 16 days long. So as soon as I was done teaching one day, I was fervently preparing for the next days class. Such is life, I believe. No reason to get caught up on the days before, when there is so much to look forward to in the days ahead. While teaching this class solidified my desire to be an educator, it also took a detrimental toll on other aspects of my life.

I very much believe in a life of balance. I want there to be an even amount of work, play, love, family, and friendship. My career will never be everything to me. My faith and my family will always come first, and the work that I will choose will be something that makes me happy, and will nurture these other parts of my life. I have never been good at compartmentalizing my life into distinct segments. Everything always tends to run together, thus making it even more important that each aspect compliments the other. While teaching I tried unceasingly to keep praying and caring for Scott, spending time with my family and friends, being involved handbells, travelling to be with the ones I love -- all of the things that mean the most to me. However in this process of, some may argue, over-dedication to my classroom, and spreading myself too thin among all of the other desires of my heart, I forgot about the most important element that keeps all of this glued together. I had forgotten about myself.

In reflection on my childhood, I know that I was a selfish girl growing up. And not just because my family told me so from time to time. I never thought about the needs or feelings of others, and now as an adult, looking back on that hurts me. Now, I make conscious efforts each day to put others before myself, to think of the needs of those around me, to volunteer my time and energy into those who are truly in need. But if I have learned anything in my journey into adulthood, it is that you can never help others unless you yourself have been helped first. If you are in need, whether it be emotionally, spiritually, or physically - it inhibits your ability to fully help others.

In these past weeks, I have put myself on hold. While I was able to get through teaching, I had no idea what sort of negative affect it was having on the rest of my life. I caused unnecessary stress in the lives of those I love, created emotional turmoil in my own mind that was completely irrational, and did not care for my body physically - causing myself to get violently ill for the first time in years. And while today my body may still be weak, my mind is back on at full force. My emotions are at an even kilter. I am ready to begin caring for myself once again so I will be able to fully care for others.

Moments of clarity come at odd points, but I truly believe that they are sent from God. So many times I take my relationship with God for granted, yet I know in my heart that He is the only one that will never disappoint. So this morning while I sit in the quiet solitude of my home, I am feeling completely grateful for my life, for my friends, for my love, for my family. I have no expectations, only the joy that comes from the small moments that have been given to me.

"Be still, and know that I am God!" Psalm 46:10