Time for Something New

Today I submitted my first job application to the University of New Mexico. I nearly cried once I had everything put together and submitted my application, resume, and cover letter. The job seems really fantastic and I'd be thrilled to be considered for it. When I was out visiting Jocelyn she showed me around UNM's campus and it's truly beautiful. It would be wonderful living in a brand new city with one great friend...it would give me the security blanket I'm going to be in dire need of in order to make this leap away from my hometown and on to the next stage of my life.

I made the decision a while back that I was going to leave Columbia after I graduate with my Master's next May. I'll be 25 and I feel like I've got to try and spread my wings and try my hand at living more than 10 minutes away from my Mom. I won't lie, I'm absolutely terrified. I haven't decided yet if I'm going to look for positions in St. Louis and Kansas City. I almost feel like that isn't enough...that I'd be taking the easy road once again and copping out. Having close friends and family in both places, it wouldn't really be like moving away. I need something bigger...but maybe with a little bit of a crutch.

The anxiety and anticipation of what is to come is overwhelming. I have no idea where I'm going to be or what I'm going to be doing. For some this could be seen as a great adventure. For me, it makes me want to throw up, tie myself down to a chair in my apartment, and refuse to ever leave for the rest of my life. At least part of me feels that way. The other part sees this move and transition into the next stage of my life as just that -- a transition. A transition into something new, different, that will help me grow as a person and provide me with professional experiences that I wouldn't have by staying put.

The Blessing of Family

This weekend has been a reminder to me of how blessed I am to have such a wonderful family. Friday night I was able to cook dinner for my Mom and Ed at their home before they left for a week long trip to Nashville. I must admit, the meal was about as sub-par as I've ever gone. The chicken was undercooked, salad nothing great, and potatoes were over cooked. Oh well - they were grateful, and it was nice to sit down at the table with my parents for a meal at home as opposed to our usual going out.

Saturday I drove up to Kansas City to celebrate the bridal shower of Scott's cousin Melanie. I'd met her a few times before, and felt so honored to be invited to help celebrate the big wedding coming up with the other ladies in the family. I love being with Scott's family - they are so easy to be around, easy to love, and are all strong faithful women! Aunt Marilyn gave Melanie the sweetest gift which was a poem of her advice for marriage along with some props whose names matched some of the words in the poem. All of us were about in tears, and I just had to tell her after the shower how special her gift was! I stayed after for a few hours after the shower to chat with the remaining family members, then got some alone time with Linda and Paul - Scott's parents. I cherish my moments with them, and love that they are so willing to be open with me about all of the blessings and trials in their life -- and that they seem to truly care about my life as well! I could not have asked for a more meaningful opportunity to be surrounded around such a wonderful group of people!

The family love continued today as I met Esther and Larry (Ed's parents) at church for service this morning. Esther and I sat together and Larry sang in the choir. During the passing of the peace we noticed that old friends Mary Lee and Gary Mayfield were in the congregation! I grew up knowing them in the church, and Mary Lee was my first Mary Kay lady when I was a teenager. She taught me everything I know about makeup! After the service we decided to go out to lunch together and it was so fun catching up! They live such an interesting life, and hearing their stories was so entertaining. I hadn't seen them in probably 6 years or so, and it was fun filling them in on the changes that have happened in my life and letting them see me, as they put it, "all grown up"!

I am just feeling so blessed right now with my family. There are a few things that I know in my heart will always mean everything to me. First, my relationship with God, second, my relationship with my family! I cannot think of anything more important than sharing all of life's joys and sorrows with those who are closest to you. And I am lucky enough to have a big family full of wonderful people!

Expect Nothing: Be Grateful for Everything

These past 6 weeks have involved some of the most trying yet wonderful moments in my life. I feel as if this morning, for the first time since May 27 (the day dear Scott deployed) my mind is able to be still.

I woke up this morning with my usual pang of anxiety, and this phrase kept coming to me over and over again in my mind. "Expect nothing: be grateful for everything". I spoke these words when Scott first deployed to my good friend Jocelyn. Joss is Scott's roommate Cooper's (who is also deployed right now) girlfriend, and I have found so much solace in her friendship. I remember telling her this, explaining that when the boys are gone on deployment we cannot have expectations for anything. When we will talk, when we will see them again, anything. All we can do is be grateful for every moment that we have with them. No matter how brief. How quickly I forgot to practice what I preach. I was falling onto the slipper slope of creating expectations in my mind, and it was starting to materialize in my thoughts, and words, and emotions. I remember saying that I could never be upset or angry while Scott was deployed, because the cause that he is serving is so much greater than him or I. I still believe this to be true, but oh my god how hard it is to keep that in the forefront of the mind. I need to remember that he is there to bravely serve our country, allowing the rest of us to live lives relatively free of worry about the safety and security of our nation. I told Scott on the 4th of July that I was so proud of him. I'm not sure if he understood, and for one of the first times in my life, I chose not to explain further. But I hope in his heart he knows what an incredible man I think he is for choosing this life of sacrifice.

I finished teaching my first class on July 1, and this too, has also been a beautiful yet overwhelming strain on my life. Teaching is my passion. I know that my heart was made to teach, and when I am interacting with students of any age, whether it be children, college, or adults, I get this feeling inside of me that is indescribable. The closest thing I can relate it to is when I feel the holy spirit moving through my body -- I feel that strongly in the classroom! Now mind you, it's not every moment of every day. I had days where I knew the material just didn't hit, the students weren't engaged, and I felt as if I had done something wrong. Alas, summer school was only 16 days long. So as soon as I was done teaching one day, I was fervently preparing for the next days class. Such is life, I believe. No reason to get caught up on the days before, when there is so much to look forward to in the days ahead. While teaching this class solidified my desire to be an educator, it also took a detrimental toll on other aspects of my life.

I very much believe in a life of balance. I want there to be an even amount of work, play, love, family, and friendship. My career will never be everything to me. My faith and my family will always come first, and the work that I will choose will be something that makes me happy, and will nurture these other parts of my life. I have never been good at compartmentalizing my life into distinct segments. Everything always tends to run together, thus making it even more important that each aspect compliments the other. While teaching I tried unceasingly to keep praying and caring for Scott, spending time with my family and friends, being involved handbells, travelling to be with the ones I love -- all of the things that mean the most to me. However in this process of, some may argue, over-dedication to my classroom, and spreading myself too thin among all of the other desires of my heart, I forgot about the most important element that keeps all of this glued together. I had forgotten about myself.

In reflection on my childhood, I know that I was a selfish girl growing up. And not just because my family told me so from time to time. I never thought about the needs or feelings of others, and now as an adult, looking back on that hurts me. Now, I make conscious efforts each day to put others before myself, to think of the needs of those around me, to volunteer my time and energy into those who are truly in need. But if I have learned anything in my journey into adulthood, it is that you can never help others unless you yourself have been helped first. If you are in need, whether it be emotionally, spiritually, or physically - it inhibits your ability to fully help others.

In these past weeks, I have put myself on hold. While I was able to get through teaching, I had no idea what sort of negative affect it was having on the rest of my life. I caused unnecessary stress in the lives of those I love, created emotional turmoil in my own mind that was completely irrational, and did not care for my body physically - causing myself to get violently ill for the first time in years. And while today my body may still be weak, my mind is back on at full force. My emotions are at an even kilter. I am ready to begin caring for myself once again so I will be able to fully care for others.

Moments of clarity come at odd points, but I truly believe that they are sent from God. So many times I take my relationship with God for granted, yet I know in my heart that He is the only one that will never disappoint. So this morning while I sit in the quiet solitude of my home, I am feeling completely grateful for my life, for my friends, for my love, for my family. I have no expectations, only the joy that comes from the small moments that have been given to me.

"Be still, and know that I am God!" Psalm 46:10

Deployment

Tomorrow Scott leaves on his next deployment. I have been so blessed because the 8 days or so we have been able to be together. Last Tuesday he came to Columbia and this past Sunday we came back to Clovis together. I've been here helping him get things ready for his deployment. Doing laundry, cleaning his room, getting things organized, cooking meals, helping him pack, etc. I was fine on Sunday and have progressively gotten more upset as the days have progressed. We've had some sweet moments, enjoyed good times with his friends here in Clovis, and have been able to open up with each other about our anxieties for the deployment. In the mornings when I wake up before him I can physically feel the gratefulness running through my blood. I never thought that I would wind up falling in love with someone who I could only see every 2-3 months. Maybe someday we'll be lucky enough to be around one another more often. I have learned, while although completely cliche, that home really is where the heart is. I feel so at home here with him in Clovis...and once you visit Clovis you'll understand that it's not the easiest of places to claim as "home".

One of the best things that I've done since dating Scott is reaching out to others who are in a similar situation. This trip was such a blessing because I was able to meet Scott's roommate Cooper's girlfriend, Jocelyn. Cooper is also deploying soon and so her and I were able to chat about how much it sucks that they're leaving, and open up a line of support for both of us! I also joined a group on Facebook for Air Force Girlfriends, Fiance's, and Wives, which as proven to be a little crazy (as things like this always are), but also surprisingly helpful! I read this poem yesterday, and it is SPOT ON. Check it out...

I am a military girlfriend. I hold no formal recognition with the powers that be. I am at the bottom of the chain. I hold no Military ID card, I am not a “dependent” or a parent. The man I love may face unspeakable dangers, and I am at the mercy of those who possess this recognition for news. I understand this and accept this.

I am a military girlfriend. I have promised to be here for him upon his return, no matter how long he is away. People may say I am insane for making such a commitment with no guarantees, but I hold onto our promises and have faith that he will come home safe to me. I know full well that my love for him fuels him in the worst of times.

I am a military girlfriend, there is no ring on my finger that symbolizes our commitment, but that doesn't mean it doesn't mean just as much. I hope every day that he will be able to call because a simple 30-second phone call can bring the greatest spectrum of emotions… smiling with tears in my eyes from so much joy and pain. My relationship is based on a brief communication where “I love you and I’m okay” speaks more than volumes and gives me the strength to keep going.

I am a military girlfriend. I take no moment spent together for granted. I hold onto every touch, caress, kiss, every word. I have memorized the feel of his skin, his smell, the sound of his voice, and I play it over and over in my mind so that I will not forget. I cry myself to sleep some nights because missing him hurts so badly, but wake up the next morning, brush myself off, and start a new day.

I am a military girlfriend. The events of the next several months hold my life, my love, and my future in the balance. When you watch the news reports, you may turn away and go about your business relatively unaffected. When I watch news stories of the war, I do not see nameless soldiers a half a world away. I see individuals who will be forever changed by war. News of every casualty causes me physical pain and deep sadness, and tears beyond my control.

I am a military girlfriend, not a spouse or family member. When you say your prayers for the wives, mothers, and fathers, please don’t forget about me.

It's All in the Family

This past week has been incredibly trying. Not only was I trying to finish up my first semester of graduate school, but was also trying to work out some issues with my family - both immediate and extended. Monday proved to be too much to handle, and I had a complete breakdown with the other graduate students in our department. I used to not care when I cried in front of other people, but the older I get the more I absolutely hate it. I've learned that if I believe that I'm stronger than I feel, that I end up feeling and acting stronger. When I break down like that I become completely vulnerable and I feel like the weakness that is inside of me blares through any sort of shell that I've started to form.

One of my greatest character downfalls is that I become overly attached and emotional. Learning how to detach myself from things has been a lesson that I've had to learn in adulthood. I had to leave my first job because of it, possibly will need to change my graduate advisor because of it, and ended a few relationships (both romantic and platonic) because of it. I guess what I'm trying to do is focus my attachments and emotions on things that are more longitudinal in nature. Like my relationship with God -- the ONLY thing that will never disappoint me. I honestly think about that all the time. Every single instance in my life when I am let down by a friend, a family member, a co-worker, I try not to get too upset because I realize that we are humans. There is no person that will ever not hurt me or upset me somehow.

Today Scott is flying into Kansas City after a botched flight this past Friday to go visit his older brother in Portland. I think that I'm starting to have sympathy pains with him. I can attest to the reality of such pains -- my best friend Jeff and I, as well as my friend Alex and I feel them for each other. It's sort of 'out of this world', but a very special connection. He was so upset that he couldn't go see his brother, and it was transferring onto me and our interaction. Yesterday I was physically ill, knowing that he was incredibly unhappy, while at the same time knowing that there wasn't a single thing I could do about it.

I'm heading to a new church this morning. Forum Christian Church is right down the street from me, so I think if I'm feeling up for it I'll just walk there this morning. I'm going to their traditional service, but it's clear from their website that they really cater more to the contemporary worship style. They claim to be non-denominational, so we'll see what sort of theology pops up during the word today.

Now that I'm officially done with school I honestly feel like I need a complete detox of my life. My mind, my body, everything. I'd like to escape somewhere for a few days, just to pray, eat healthy, sleep, and rejuvenate. Perhaps I'll turn my apartment into my home-spa for the next few days until Scott arrives in Columbia. :o) I'm sure he'd appreciate seeing his girlfriend in a much more mellow state than she is right now...

Maslow on the Mind

I've been working on my literature review for my master's thesis over the past few weeks. The final assignment in one of my courses this semester was to write a paper, and considering the professor is also my advisor, getting started on my thesis was the way to go. The basic concept of my thesis is applying Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs to understanding success in small- to medium-sized businesses. Fancy, right? Over the past few weeks I have read more about Maslow's Theory of Human Motivation than I ever thought possible. You would think that so many articles, books, magazines, etc. later I would have pages and pages written for my literature review. I have 10 -- and that's including my cover page. I just can't seem to determine what is important, what isn't -- who took the theory seriously, used it appropriately, and in ways that will help me understand and complete my research.

Today I've been on campus now for 5 1/2 hours and feel like my brain is on fire. Not in a bad way -- I just feel so immersed in thought that I'm struggling getting any of it out on paper and in a fashion that sounds professional and perhaps somewhat profound. I realize that this paper is a work in progress. I won't finish it for another 6 months, and I honestly hope that it is the best and most thoughtful work that I've done up to this point in my academic career. My focus for my thesis isn't to prove correlation, provide predictions, or any other sort of empirical result. My goal is to evoke thinking of other researchers. To inspire others to continue researching success in SME's so we can gain a better understanding in what makes these increasingly important businesses tick and keep our economy running.

For now, I will continue attempting to get it all out in a way that does justice to the work that has previously been done, yet without stifling future thought.

Constant Transition

When I was growing up I always hated it when people told me that the only thing constant in life is change. However, the older I get the more I realize how important it is to be flexible, open, and understand that there are no guarantees that tomorrow is going to be the same as today.

This past Friday, April 30, Scott's Grandma Dowell passed away. It's his mom Linda's mother, and she has been ill for quite some time now. Before flying out to spend my spring break with Scott in Clovis, I spent the evening with Paul and Linda at their home. The next morning over breakfast Linda and I talked about her mother, and the difficulties that have come with her illness over the past few years. It seems as if I'm getting to the age where my parents are having to deal with the inevitable aging of their parents, and so I'm watching very closely - trying to soak up as much advice as I can for when I will someday need to deal with aging parents. My heart is truly breaking for Linda and her sisters right now. I've been told that during your late teenage years and early twenties that it is normal for your greatest fear to be that of losing your parents. I often wonder what it will be like when I lose my mom. One of my close friends from high school lost his mother in 2008, and going through that with him was a truly trying experience. The comfort that always comes to mind is that while Mom is a role that no one will ever be able to replace, God has provided us with so much more -- sisters, brothers, spouses, children, grandchildren -- that will help us move on once our precious mothers have departed. Death, while it may mean the end of the way we understand and know life on Earth, is the beautiful beginning of our life with Christ. I'm not a big heaven and hell person - who am I (who is anyone for that matter) to determine what is going to happen to us when we pass away. The only thing that is certain is what we have been living. I think the greatest gift to anyone who passes is the spirit that lives on in the people in which they touched during their time on earth.

So thus begins a new transition period for Scott's family. It is my prayer that the services that take place this Wednesday give a sense of peace, closure and love to the family. My heart is with all of them and will continue to be during this time. I know how difficult it is for Scott to not be able to be with his family right now, but I know that his loving words and prayers will help support them more than he can imagine.

Cookies & Classmates

Tomorrow is my last class with my students from this semester. Being a TA for History of Western Dress has proven to have its challenges. First of all, the history of dress doesn't do a whole lot for me -- in fact, just in the past few years have I even become remotely interested in history period. But because this course was writing intensive, I took the approach of having my students have the goal of becoming better writers throughout the semester. I challenged them when I started to see improvement. I guided those who were willing to accept the help, and lost a few through the cracks who were just looking for a "C" to fly by on. Overall I have been extremely proud of the progress that they have all made in these past 14 weeks. They are a wonderful group of students and I will miss them dearly!

I just finished baking around 4 dozen cookies for the students to enjoy tomorrow, and I'll be ordering them in Gumby's pizza. Perhaps going a a little far, but who doesn't like to have a pizza party on the last day of class? No, I can't afford it, but they deserve it. So I'll make it work!

I recently had to fight to be in the classroom during the Fall semester to be a TA for another course in our department. My advisor had hoped that I would work on a planning a convention for her, but I have my heart set on teaching and it looks like it is going to work out in my favor. Unfortunately, it caused my advisor some heartache when I told her that I would rather be in the classroom than work on her project. She spoke some words that were so harsh that I haven't been able to let them go since our altercation. She said, "You're not a teacher yet...and you have the rest of your life to teach." If I'm not a teacher, what have I been doing with my students for the past 3 years? I was so hurt by what she said that it has made me even more determined to push for staying in the classroom for the duration of my assistantships as a graduate student.

The smell of cookies in the air and the warmth of my laptop is making me sleepy. Making it past 11:00p.m. is a feat for me these days. Time for some much needed rest.

Day 1 - Let the Writing Begin

I enjoy writing. It was the only thing that I could count on when I was growing up that could keep me relaxed and my GPA over a 3.0. Somewhere in the midst of "growing up" I lost touch with creative writing. Having a full-time job then going back to graduate school turned any spare time into professional-writing-time. As much as I love to whip out a good publication every know and again, there is a part of me that is screaming to be heard, and I know that writing is the best outlet for me. So here I go, embarking on a new journey - hoping to blog everyday for at least a month and see how long I can go.

At this point the content of this blog is completely up in the air. Right now between graduate school, dating a fantastic man in the Air Force, trying to stay somewhat socially in-touch with friends, and continuing to forge ahead in my spiritual journey - it's really a crap shoot as to what the topic might be!

So here's to you and I, new blog. May you bring me peace and serenity and a place to just let it all hang out.