It's All in the Family

This past week has been incredibly trying. Not only was I trying to finish up my first semester of graduate school, but was also trying to work out some issues with my family - both immediate and extended. Monday proved to be too much to handle, and I had a complete breakdown with the other graduate students in our department. I used to not care when I cried in front of other people, but the older I get the more I absolutely hate it. I've learned that if I believe that I'm stronger than I feel, that I end up feeling and acting stronger. When I break down like that I become completely vulnerable and I feel like the weakness that is inside of me blares through any sort of shell that I've started to form.

One of my greatest character downfalls is that I become overly attached and emotional. Learning how to detach myself from things has been a lesson that I've had to learn in adulthood. I had to leave my first job because of it, possibly will need to change my graduate advisor because of it, and ended a few relationships (both romantic and platonic) because of it. I guess what I'm trying to do is focus my attachments and emotions on things that are more longitudinal in nature. Like my relationship with God -- the ONLY thing that will never disappoint me. I honestly think about that all the time. Every single instance in my life when I am let down by a friend, a family member, a co-worker, I try not to get too upset because I realize that we are humans. There is no person that will ever not hurt me or upset me somehow.

Today Scott is flying into Kansas City after a botched flight this past Friday to go visit his older brother in Portland. I think that I'm starting to have sympathy pains with him. I can attest to the reality of such pains -- my best friend Jeff and I, as well as my friend Alex and I feel them for each other. It's sort of 'out of this world', but a very special connection. He was so upset that he couldn't go see his brother, and it was transferring onto me and our interaction. Yesterday I was physically ill, knowing that he was incredibly unhappy, while at the same time knowing that there wasn't a single thing I could do about it.

I'm heading to a new church this morning. Forum Christian Church is right down the street from me, so I think if I'm feeling up for it I'll just walk there this morning. I'm going to their traditional service, but it's clear from their website that they really cater more to the contemporary worship style. They claim to be non-denominational, so we'll see what sort of theology pops up during the word today.

Now that I'm officially done with school I honestly feel like I need a complete detox of my life. My mind, my body, everything. I'd like to escape somewhere for a few days, just to pray, eat healthy, sleep, and rejuvenate. Perhaps I'll turn my apartment into my home-spa for the next few days until Scott arrives in Columbia. :o) I'm sure he'd appreciate seeing his girlfriend in a much more mellow state than she is right now...