Deployment

Tomorrow Scott leaves on his next deployment. I have been so blessed because the 8 days or so we have been able to be together. Last Tuesday he came to Columbia and this past Sunday we came back to Clovis together. I've been here helping him get things ready for his deployment. Doing laundry, cleaning his room, getting things organized, cooking meals, helping him pack, etc. I was fine on Sunday and have progressively gotten more upset as the days have progressed. We've had some sweet moments, enjoyed good times with his friends here in Clovis, and have been able to open up with each other about our anxieties for the deployment. In the mornings when I wake up before him I can physically feel the gratefulness running through my blood. I never thought that I would wind up falling in love with someone who I could only see every 2-3 months. Maybe someday we'll be lucky enough to be around one another more often. I have learned, while although completely cliche, that home really is where the heart is. I feel so at home here with him in Clovis...and once you visit Clovis you'll understand that it's not the easiest of places to claim as "home".

One of the best things that I've done since dating Scott is reaching out to others who are in a similar situation. This trip was such a blessing because I was able to meet Scott's roommate Cooper's girlfriend, Jocelyn. Cooper is also deploying soon and so her and I were able to chat about how much it sucks that they're leaving, and open up a line of support for both of us! I also joined a group on Facebook for Air Force Girlfriends, Fiance's, and Wives, which as proven to be a little crazy (as things like this always are), but also surprisingly helpful! I read this poem yesterday, and it is SPOT ON. Check it out...

I am a military girlfriend. I hold no formal recognition with the powers that be. I am at the bottom of the chain. I hold no Military ID card, I am not a “dependent” or a parent. The man I love may face unspeakable dangers, and I am at the mercy of those who possess this recognition for news. I understand this and accept this.

I am a military girlfriend. I have promised to be here for him upon his return, no matter how long he is away. People may say I am insane for making such a commitment with no guarantees, but I hold onto our promises and have faith that he will come home safe to me. I know full well that my love for him fuels him in the worst of times.

I am a military girlfriend, there is no ring on my finger that symbolizes our commitment, but that doesn't mean it doesn't mean just as much. I hope every day that he will be able to call because a simple 30-second phone call can bring the greatest spectrum of emotions… smiling with tears in my eyes from so much joy and pain. My relationship is based on a brief communication where “I love you and I’m okay” speaks more than volumes and gives me the strength to keep going.

I am a military girlfriend. I take no moment spent together for granted. I hold onto every touch, caress, kiss, every word. I have memorized the feel of his skin, his smell, the sound of his voice, and I play it over and over in my mind so that I will not forget. I cry myself to sleep some nights because missing him hurts so badly, but wake up the next morning, brush myself off, and start a new day.

I am a military girlfriend. The events of the next several months hold my life, my love, and my future in the balance. When you watch the news reports, you may turn away and go about your business relatively unaffected. When I watch news stories of the war, I do not see nameless soldiers a half a world away. I see individuals who will be forever changed by war. News of every casualty causes me physical pain and deep sadness, and tears beyond my control.

I am a military girlfriend, not a spouse or family member. When you say your prayers for the wives, mothers, and fathers, please don’t forget about me.

It's All in the Family

This past week has been incredibly trying. Not only was I trying to finish up my first semester of graduate school, but was also trying to work out some issues with my family - both immediate and extended. Monday proved to be too much to handle, and I had a complete breakdown with the other graduate students in our department. I used to not care when I cried in front of other people, but the older I get the more I absolutely hate it. I've learned that if I believe that I'm stronger than I feel, that I end up feeling and acting stronger. When I break down like that I become completely vulnerable and I feel like the weakness that is inside of me blares through any sort of shell that I've started to form.

One of my greatest character downfalls is that I become overly attached and emotional. Learning how to detach myself from things has been a lesson that I've had to learn in adulthood. I had to leave my first job because of it, possibly will need to change my graduate advisor because of it, and ended a few relationships (both romantic and platonic) because of it. I guess what I'm trying to do is focus my attachments and emotions on things that are more longitudinal in nature. Like my relationship with God -- the ONLY thing that will never disappoint me. I honestly think about that all the time. Every single instance in my life when I am let down by a friend, a family member, a co-worker, I try not to get too upset because I realize that we are humans. There is no person that will ever not hurt me or upset me somehow.

Today Scott is flying into Kansas City after a botched flight this past Friday to go visit his older brother in Portland. I think that I'm starting to have sympathy pains with him. I can attest to the reality of such pains -- my best friend Jeff and I, as well as my friend Alex and I feel them for each other. It's sort of 'out of this world', but a very special connection. He was so upset that he couldn't go see his brother, and it was transferring onto me and our interaction. Yesterday I was physically ill, knowing that he was incredibly unhappy, while at the same time knowing that there wasn't a single thing I could do about it.

I'm heading to a new church this morning. Forum Christian Church is right down the street from me, so I think if I'm feeling up for it I'll just walk there this morning. I'm going to their traditional service, but it's clear from their website that they really cater more to the contemporary worship style. They claim to be non-denominational, so we'll see what sort of theology pops up during the word today.

Now that I'm officially done with school I honestly feel like I need a complete detox of my life. My mind, my body, everything. I'd like to escape somewhere for a few days, just to pray, eat healthy, sleep, and rejuvenate. Perhaps I'll turn my apartment into my home-spa for the next few days until Scott arrives in Columbia. :o) I'm sure he'd appreciate seeing his girlfriend in a much more mellow state than she is right now...

Maslow on the Mind

I've been working on my literature review for my master's thesis over the past few weeks. The final assignment in one of my courses this semester was to write a paper, and considering the professor is also my advisor, getting started on my thesis was the way to go. The basic concept of my thesis is applying Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs to understanding success in small- to medium-sized businesses. Fancy, right? Over the past few weeks I have read more about Maslow's Theory of Human Motivation than I ever thought possible. You would think that so many articles, books, magazines, etc. later I would have pages and pages written for my literature review. I have 10 -- and that's including my cover page. I just can't seem to determine what is important, what isn't -- who took the theory seriously, used it appropriately, and in ways that will help me understand and complete my research.

Today I've been on campus now for 5 1/2 hours and feel like my brain is on fire. Not in a bad way -- I just feel so immersed in thought that I'm struggling getting any of it out on paper and in a fashion that sounds professional and perhaps somewhat profound. I realize that this paper is a work in progress. I won't finish it for another 6 months, and I honestly hope that it is the best and most thoughtful work that I've done up to this point in my academic career. My focus for my thesis isn't to prove correlation, provide predictions, or any other sort of empirical result. My goal is to evoke thinking of other researchers. To inspire others to continue researching success in SME's so we can gain a better understanding in what makes these increasingly important businesses tick and keep our economy running.

For now, I will continue attempting to get it all out in a way that does justice to the work that has previously been done, yet without stifling future thought.

Constant Transition

When I was growing up I always hated it when people told me that the only thing constant in life is change. However, the older I get the more I realize how important it is to be flexible, open, and understand that there are no guarantees that tomorrow is going to be the same as today.

This past Friday, April 30, Scott's Grandma Dowell passed away. It's his mom Linda's mother, and she has been ill for quite some time now. Before flying out to spend my spring break with Scott in Clovis, I spent the evening with Paul and Linda at their home. The next morning over breakfast Linda and I talked about her mother, and the difficulties that have come with her illness over the past few years. It seems as if I'm getting to the age where my parents are having to deal with the inevitable aging of their parents, and so I'm watching very closely - trying to soak up as much advice as I can for when I will someday need to deal with aging parents. My heart is truly breaking for Linda and her sisters right now. I've been told that during your late teenage years and early twenties that it is normal for your greatest fear to be that of losing your parents. I often wonder what it will be like when I lose my mom. One of my close friends from high school lost his mother in 2008, and going through that with him was a truly trying experience. The comfort that always comes to mind is that while Mom is a role that no one will ever be able to replace, God has provided us with so much more -- sisters, brothers, spouses, children, grandchildren -- that will help us move on once our precious mothers have departed. Death, while it may mean the end of the way we understand and know life on Earth, is the beautiful beginning of our life with Christ. I'm not a big heaven and hell person - who am I (who is anyone for that matter) to determine what is going to happen to us when we pass away. The only thing that is certain is what we have been living. I think the greatest gift to anyone who passes is the spirit that lives on in the people in which they touched during their time on earth.

So thus begins a new transition period for Scott's family. It is my prayer that the services that take place this Wednesday give a sense of peace, closure and love to the family. My heart is with all of them and will continue to be during this time. I know how difficult it is for Scott to not be able to be with his family right now, but I know that his loving words and prayers will help support them more than he can imagine.